Answers to Questions, and Some Examples.

I got many interesting notes on my previous entry. (If you haven't read it, do so, otherwise what I'm about to say will make no sense to you.)

I didn't get as many notes as I usually do, which makes me think one of two things, or possibly both: People had no idea what I was talking about, or they read part of it and rolled their eyes because they are happy with the way they are raising their children and don't wish to know anything else. (Or I guess they just aren't willing to check out alternative methods to what our culture seems to force on everyone.) But they didn't leave any rude notes, so all is well.

To my surprise and complete happiness, more than a couple people completely understood where I was coming from. That makes me smile!

Some of you totally missed the point, though you read the entry and brought up intelligent discussion points. That's alright, because it took me several months to figure this out myself. It's not black and white, or cut and dry, exactly. It's confusing like that--though it is either all or nothing, it's not a template that can just paste over every situation.

Now you are probably getting even further confused, right?

If you are the least bit interested in this, you should read the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. It's a great book, and pretty easy to read and straightforward in its explanations. He explains it better than I do. I've only read the first half of the book, and I've already learned so much that never before occurred to me.

What many people seemed to misunderstand in my last entry, was...well...the entire point. At least, half of the major point.

Did you all read this part? I've bolded a few bits for you.

"For her to feel loved unconditionally, I have to find a way to guide her into becoming a sensitive, respectful, and caring human being that does not include punishments or rewards.

What does that leave me with? Certainly I have to do something to teach my children how to behave.

I came across this quote by Alfie Kohn:
"The dominant problem with parenting in our society isn't permissiveness, but the fear of permissiveness"

It's true. We are terrified of spoiling children. How many times have I been told that carrying my baby is going to "spoil" her? That word is thrown around so often, used as a warning or a reminder what just might happen if you fail to parent your child as society dictates. No one wants to be the parent of the spoiled child.

But, not punishing children for their mistakes does not mean that you have to "spoil" them or allow them to run wild. It is possible to set limitations and goals for a child without rewarding them or punishing them. Instead of trying to punish a child for doing something wrong, or attempting to use punishment to stop an undesirable behavior, why can't parents use the trusting and loving relationship they've built with their children to influence them and teach them how to become the type of people we want them to be?"


The idea behind gentle discipline, which is what I am planning on doing with Rosie, is that discipline is defined as "to teach" not "to punish" or "to teach by punishing". Discipline is what you call guiding your children by setting limits and boundaries, and leading by example.

I never said that I wouldn't do anything at all--that I would let her do whatever she wanted. Of course not! All the people who gave me examples, or horror stories, of what happens to children who aren't punished misunderstood--the examples you gave me were from children who were not guided at all. Not only were they not punished, but they also weren't given limits and boundaries that parents showed them how to follow.

The complicated thing is, gentle discipline requires a strong bond of trust between parent and child. It's impossible to try to compare it to cases where children were let to run wild, because once that bond of trust is broken, or if it is never established, it's likely that gentle discipline methods won't have much of an effect at all. I don't know what you should do in those cases. I honestly don't. I don't know everything, especially because Rosie and I are just now starting on this journey together.

I know that it will not be easy. Sadly enough, spanking or some other form of punishment would be easier. Punishment gets results--the child often stops the behavior. But, in my opinion, they stop it for the wrong reasons, and that is not the goal I have for how I want to teach my child to be.

One note asked this:

"And what happens when your YOUNG child who cannot reason and think beyond the here & now, disobeys? How are you going to "teach her" to stop? What if when she gets upset she starts hitting/kicking/biting you? Are you going to say Oh no please stop that, and ignore it and let her continue to beat on her parents? I don't understand what it is you think you're going to do so that she behaves."

This, at least, I have an answer for. We've already had issues like this with Rosie. She's extremely spirited. She hasn't hit/kicked/bitten when throwing a fit, but she has kicked, bitten, and pinched for other reasons.

Biting while nursing was our first challenge. It hurt. Badly. I didn't know what to do at first. I noticed that when I reacted, she continued to do it and then would look up at me to see my reaction with an expectant look on her face. So, I stopped reacting. She would bite me, and I would scream in my head, but make no change in expression on the outside. The only thing I would do was put the breast away and give her something else to chew on if I thought she was done nursing. If I thought she was still hungry, I would put the bitten breast away and offer her the other side. She still occasionally bites when she's teething, but once I stopped reacting, she stopped biting all the time.

Rosie also went through a phase of pinching. She did it on purpose, and she knew it hurt. Whenever she pinched, we would take her hand and tell her "That hurts. Please be gentle." And while saying the word gentle we would take her hand and use it to stroke us, or stroke her instead. Now she doesn't pinch, for the most part. When she forgets and does it, a simple reminder and example of what it means to be gentle does the trick. I know she's learned what it means, because today in the nursery at church she was touching an infant laying on the floor playing, and I reminded her to please be gentle and she immediately began stroking the baby's head and kissing it. Tell her to be gentle also works on other situations as well, like with the pets. She even strokes my arm or her leg while nursing now, instead of grabbing at my skin. It's so sweet!

We are still working on the kicking thing--she'll kick us in bed repeatedly and on purpose. Usually I just move her feet away and remind her to be gentle, but since it's not normal to use your feet to gently stroke someone like I showed her with her hands, I'm having a little more trouble getting her to understand. I have patience though, and I know she will begin to understand in time. In the mean time, I just move her feet away and re-direct her to something else, like a pillow, to kick.

So, I don't think that I am going to have to do anything to force her to behave. I just show her how she should behave, and she begins to understand. Even at a very young age children have the ability to learn and understand when shown patience and kindness. I never said it will be easy, but it will work. I've been around a lot of children working in daycares, I know how they can be. That's why I have to do something different for my child, something better.

I always try to ask myself why she's doing the undesirable behavior. In some cases, it's because I haven't set a boundary to let her know she shouldn't be doing what she's doing. Then it's my responsibility to teach her. Other times, it's because she's tired, hungry, frustrated, bored, teething, or any other external issue. Then I try to meet her need, and see if that stops the behavior. Usually it does, since she uses the behavior to get my attention--she knows no other way. Baby signs are slowly but surely helping her to tell me what she needs easier.

For example, when she's taking something like a spoon and banging it repeatedly on something breakable, when she knows I don't like that, why is she doing it? She doesn't understand when I ask her to stop, she throws a fit when I take it away. I don't want to grab it out of her hands, because that will teach her that it's ok for stronger people to grab things from weaker people. Plus, it's just rude and I am treating her with the respect she deserves. I've found it's incredibly helpful if I gently take it out of her hands, and then tell her "Say bye-bye to it." Now, 95% of the time she waves and says bye to it, and I hand her a more suitable toy for banging, like a rubber spatula. Sometimes she just wants my attention, and so she does something she knows will get me to notice her. I try to take that into account as well.

I also try to ask myself if what she's doing is really that big of a deal. Why did I initially freak out when my 10 month old started throwing all of the DVD's and books on the floor? It's not as if she understands that we like to be careful with them and keep them neatly arranged on a shelf. So, I moved the important books and DVD's elsewhere. What you resist will persist, have you ever heard that? No matter how many times you try to stop her from pulling things off of the shelf, she'll keep doing it. Unless I scare her out of it by punishing her, but I have no desire to do that. She spent a week throwing books and DVD's on the floor. It wasn't a big deal. There is one DVD case she loves, she always picks it off of the shelf and carries it around. I took the DVD out and put it somewhere safe. Now she breezes past the DVD's and books like they aren't even there. Yesterday she threw one on the floor then picked it up and put it back on the shelf and clapped.

I've done the same thing with the kitchen cabinets. She doesn't understand that it upsets us when she throws everything on the floor out of them...So I took everything that she couldn't play with out and put them higher up. She spent a few days taking out all the pots and pans and spices and dry goods. I showed her over and over how to put them back in and close the cabinet door. She had the time of her life. Now she opens a cabinet and takes one thing out, then plays with it for a little while, and goes on her merry way. I don't see it as a big deal that she's curious, it's not something I would want to squelch out of her, especially not at this age. Instead I make it safe for her to explore.

So, I'm pretty sure following the gentle discipline path will not be easy. But I know it will work in the long run, if we stick with it. Rosie will learn, and she will grow into a wonderful human being. I can't say how I will react to things when she is older, because we haven't reached that point yet. I'm not sure how our method of gently teaching will evolve as she ages, but as long as we keep our strong bond I know that it will be fine.