7/7/09

I laid awake last night wondering if things could really work out like we hoped.

I finally fell asleep around 1:30 in the morning.

Tyler woke me up at 4:30 to tell me that he could hear Shelf Head, the Rooster, crowing his head off while he was getting ready for work.

I laid awake until it got light out, at first listening to see if I could hear Shelf Head, worrying that he was bothering the neighbors. I couldn't hear him while laying in bed.

Then my mind shifted to moving--if only we could move, then I wouldn't have to worry about the crowing at all.

And then my mind took off, worrying about where we would move to. If we could afford to move. Selling our house.

Move first, then sell our vacant house? Or try to sell our house while we live in it, with chickens, dogs, cats, and a toddler?

If we move first we would have to risk paying two mortgages.

And then I worry that there won't be a good house to move into. There are only a few houses that have acreage and a house with two bathrooms in our price range, yet there are plenty of these sorts of houses just $10,000 out of our price range. But there's nothing we can do about that.

I don't want to settle for another house I will just be itching to move away from.

Is it so bad to want it all? I want land for my chickens.

I want to own a cow. A black and white Holstein with a pink nose and a big wet sand paper tongue.

Then I fell back asleep, and I dreamed we owned a horse. I was giving Tyler specific instructions on how to groom the horse, put the saddle on, how to ride...

Rosie was riding on the horse.

Then I woke up. It was 9 in the morning. We slept way too late.

Rosie watched Max and Ruby, and I laid there thinking of the kind of childhood I want to give her.

I want her to grow up with garden fresh food, eating food packed with sun ripened nutrients. I want her to learn about life, about sustainability, about fun and laughter.

There are so many things I want to be sure she experiences.

She's so big suddenly. She's not a baby anymore.

But in many ways she's still so small, with so much to learn. She's still so dependent. She asks if she can snuggle me multiple times a day.

She still needs milky.

Just like child led weaning...it's an interesting dance, letting her grow up.

Closer together, farther apart, then closer together again...always maintaining a vital connection with each other, still in sync with one another.

Whenever I get overwhelmed by everything--moving, planning, the future...I step back and remember what really matters.

Who really matters...

But it's hard. There is still that lingering worry, anxiety, the unknown.