Surreal.

Rosie is wearing me out.

This picture is Rosie yesterday chastising me at the back gate because I didn't want to come run through the mud with her. It was when the water was off, so I couldn't wash the ice cream off of her face!

She's always talking, always hungry--especially for chocolate ice cream, always into something, always moving at top speed these days while I am beached on the couch growing a belly.

I still absolutely can't believe I am actually pregnant. I'm afraid I won't end up with a live baby because it all seems so surreal. I can't imagine what this baby will be like, or what it will be like to have it and hold it and care for it along side Rosie.

Every time I read or hear of someone I know getting pregnant or giving birth I'm still jealous. I *still* feel as if I am endlessly trying to conceive. Why is it taking so long to get out of this mindset? I think of quite a few friends I have online who have been trying to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) for so long now, and in my brain I am also TTC. Then I go to think about when my last period was and I suddenly remember that I am already pregnant.

I'm almost 14 weeks and I'm not bleeding. But I'm still holding my breath. Every time I go to the bathroom my heart beats a little faster and I take a good long look at the toilet paper, just to be sure there is no sign of spotting.

I lay in bed and remember that I am pregnant, then I can easily convince myself that maybe the baby has died or it's all in my head. I can never tell if it's actually real, or if I am just dreaming.

Even though I have read things about dopplers being unsafe, I am so glad that I have one. I use it all the time. Maybe I'm frying the baby, hopefully not. The doppler is the single greatest reassurance that I am indeed pregnant, that my baby is alive for yet another day. I love that doppler.

This morning I ate a banana and then an hour later I got out the doppler. I can find the heartbeat right away most of the time now, because though I can't feel it constantly I can somehow sense where the baby is in there. It's a strange unconscious sensation that's hard to explain. I put the doppler on my belly and there was the heartbeat, loud and clear instantly. The heartbeat was so fast this morning! It was 178. The baby was moving all over--I could hear it swimming and rolling, and it kept kicking and popping against the doppler. It was going crazy! I wonder if the banana gave it a sugar high or something. Of course I'm instantly paranoid that the baby is in distress or something is wrong, but most likely that is not the case.

The old wives tale about girls having a higher heartbeat isn't true though--I know that much. Rosie's heartbeat was usually in the 140's and even sometimes as low as the 130's! She is very much a girl.

I keep trying to think of what I need to do over the next months to prepare for the baby, and I can't think of anything at all.

So strange, and this makes it even more surreal.

I have diapers in all sizes. I have every kind of sling and wrap that I could ever need. I have a pack n' play, a crib, and a swing in storage that we never used once with Rosie, but when the baby is born, should this baby be an oddball and not want to be worn/held all the time, I can get those things out as needed. I don't need bottles, but I might get one or two glass ones for emergencies if I have to be away...like in the hospital or something drastic like that. I own a nice pump in case I am engorged, I will probably pump and freeze some milk in the first few weeks if I have terrible oversupply again. With Rosie I had milk squirting in all directions for months and my boobs were the size of watermelons.

The only thing left to buy is clothing, and I will wait on that until we find out whether the baby is a boy or a girl. If it's a girl then I have loads of clothes because everything of Rosie's is folded and packed away in boxes, sorted by sizes and seasons. If it's a boy, there is a huge consignment sale scheduled for March, a month before the baby is due. I will just pick up some clothes there.

I do have to buy the homebirth kit, but it's just one big package you order at like 36 weeks. Nothing very exciting about a box with chux pads in it.

There is nothing at all to do to prepare for baby except to sit here and wait for my body to grow the babe, and to hope and pray all is well...

I can't explain the way it's so surreal. I feel so strangely relaxed about everything and I don't know why. I'm terrified of miscarriage, even still, but otherwise it seems as if the baby will just make an appearance in our lives and things will move on smoothly as life should. Not like when Rosie was born and it was an earth shattering, life altering experience. Are second babies supposed to be like this? Just not as big of a deal? Or maybe it's just me?

While I'm not gagging or suffering from horrifying gas pains, I'm going to go make chocolate chip cookies with Rosie! More sugar high for baby, I suppose.